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How NOT to Submit to a Press: Arrogance (NSFW language)

Despite the nature of the following, I try, as an editor, to not be petty.  Consider these entries in the vein in which they are presented as an independent book publisher who is seeking clarity in entries sent in for consideration of publication.  I will NEVER use a name or contact information in these entries. They offer a dual opportunity for me to vent about things that annoy me hopefully in an entertaining way and give our potential submitters knowledge on...

“How NOT to Submit to a Press”

            Don’t you just hate it when you deal with someone who has utterly disrespected you, and yet you don’t really have time to deal with them right away, but you still want to so you write a poem, flaying them, and you share it with people for humorous effect, but you still want to share it in a more determinant way.  Then you come across an equally ignorant foe who finally spurs you to the point of actually needing to write about the fools you come across so you can finally write about that person.  Then in doing some recognizance work you realize the first ignorant foe died over a year before.

            Yeah, that’s what this one is about.

            I guess we poets are always more inspired by death.

            The first entry of this series deals with Arrogance.

            Most presses I reckon love an author with confidence.  But Arrogance to the point of disrespect is something that I don’t know anyone who will put up with.

            The following poem is almost direct word for word transcript from an email conversation with someone who submitted with Arrogance in mind.

Re: Chapbook Submission 02/14

From: chrismucklehoney@leastmisinformedpossiblyoverconfident.com

Address: 51 Michael Hunt Drive

Los Huevos, California

31 page submission attached.

From: writingknights@leasthesinterested.com

Please review our submission guidelines. We only ask for 10 pages as a sample. Here is the URL: main.writingknights.com/submissions.html

The Writing Knights Team

From: chrismucklehoney@sarcasticdickhead.com

            Writing Knights Team,

            Review this.

            CM

No attachment

From: writingknights@themomentiamperplexed.com

            Dear Chris,

            I can’t tell if you are being foul or just forgot the attachment.

            Please clarify,

            Thanks!

            WK

From: chrismucklehoney@thispointiamstillharmless.com

            I can pretty well tell you’re foolish, but please try.

            CM

From: writingknights@thebeliefwearedone.com

            Thank you for the clarification.

From: chrismucklehoney@thebeliefthattalkinglikearockstarwillgetyouanywherewithAzFuckingJohnson.com

            You mean, thank you for the manuscript and you’re welcome.

From: writingknights@thepointofsettingthisfellowstraight.com

            Nope.  There is a protocol you must follow before we can discuss.

            ;)

            WK

From: chrismucklehoney@temptingtosavefacethroughinsultinganestablishment.com

            Fuck your protocol and fuck you little winky face!

From: writingknights@temptingtokillhimwithkindness.com

            I hope your day/night gets better and whatever is causing you discomfort abates.

            WK

From: chrismucklehoney@lastthetruedoucheemerges.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@temptingtofoilhisangerwithmyfeelingsofthewordcunt.com

            Thank you! That’s the highest form of compliment!

From: chrismucklehoney@thispointisapparentlyamisogynist.com

            In Idiotsville.

From: writingknights@mybestretortinthepastsixmonths.com

            You can rent my guest room.

From: chrismucklehoney@stickingtosomethingagainstallodds.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@temptingnottofeedthistroll.com

            You said that.

From: chrismucklehoney@leastiamconsistent.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@mittedlynotthebestthingtosaytoendthisconversation.com

            If your poetry is as repetitive as your insults, there is no way I can publish you.

From: chrismucklehoney@leastiamconsistent.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@lastiamtootiredtocontinuethisjoustsoiconcedethepowerofthewordcunt.com

            It seems a shame you put so much time and effort into your submission.

            Anyway, I’m gonna hit the sack. 

I wish you good luck on all your future endeavors.

            WK

From: chrismucklehoney@leastigetthelastword-mantheseeditorsaresostupidiftheythinkiamgoingtopaythemanyrespectinordertogetthemtopublishme-respectisforchumps-buttheybetterrespectme-yeah.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@mybesttryingnottoreturnthispersonsnegativity-tryingtobethebiggerperson-reallyquestionhowthehellheevergotpublishedwiththatattitude-wouldneverpublishsomeonewhodisregardedtheprocess-willwarneverypressiknowaboutthisguy.com

            You know?  You aren’t even worth my time.

Discard Draft

            Rest In Peace - Arrogant Writers.

Hack by Azriel Johnson with Photography by Jonathan Laslo

$10.00 USD Mixed Media Release (plus Free PDF)

Blurb  This diamond-sharp experiment with theme and variations cuts to the heart of Azriel Johnson's focus in forceful, intense strokes. Watch especially how he exploits the sonnet form. Johnson doesn't pander: as a poet, he's the real deal. -- Mary Turzillo, winner of the SFPA Elgin Award for "Lovers & Killers" (2013) Jonathan captures exactly with his photographs exactly what I had in mind with my poetry for this collection. -- Azriel Johnson

About the author: Azriel Johnson is the Director of Operations for Writing Knights Press, hosting occasional showcases in North East Ohio. He was a member of the 2014 Lake Effect Rustbelt Regional Poetry Slam team, 2016 Lake Effect National Poetry Slam team. He is a wordsmith in many aspects of the craft including poetry, fiction, nonfiction, stage plays and songs. His current words of wisdom: "People like to dress up their words with labels like 'poetry'. Just write baby, just write."

Publication Date:     Jan 02 2017 ISBN/EAN13:     1541173813 / 9781541173811 Page Count:     48 Trim Size:     8.5" x 11" Language:     English Related Categories:     Poetry / Subjects & Themes / Death, Grief, Loss

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Reviews

Reviews on Goodreads

Rust & Blood -- Dragon's Bane Series: Book 2 by Azriel Johnson

$20.00 USD Novel

Present Aurora Gerstung, mother of John Ross, is approached for an interview by a reporter from Bellato. She delves into the story of her life with the back drop of the war between Dragons and Humans. Past Young Aurora embarks on a difficult journey to find her boyhood crush. Later, she struggles between forbidden love and loyalty to her family and Humanity. In a final showdown, she faces a foe who can control the minds of those around him.

About the author: Azriel Johnson is cautiously optimistic about the future of the Human race, Dragons or no. He believes in prophecy and the Dragon's Bane Series comes straight from a part of himself he believes probably exists... somewhere....

Publication Date: Dec 31 2016 ISBN/EAN13: 1541383796 / 9781541383791 Page Count: 348 Language: English Related Categories: Fiction / Fantasy / General

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Reviews

Reviews on Goodreads

Against Xenophobia -- Sword Points

I understand that humans are a tribal sort. We started with small, insular bands and the world was dangerous and we had to fight for every scrap of everything, whether it was food, or water or a place to pitch our teepee or hut.

Back in the days of old when we couldn't trust other humans to not try to kill us in our sleep because we didn't know better, I understand that kind of xenophobia. Whiter skinned folks don't know that the browner skinned folks don't really want to hurt them. The ape brain in all of us mistrusts people who don't look like they could be part of the same tribe as us.

That's why Sapiens fucked/killed Neanderthals out of existence. They looked just different enough that they seemed threatening.  That's why white cops kill black people, because they look different enough that they seem threatening.  In the ape brains of the white cops, the ancestral memories see the darker skin and sometimes larger bodies and think, "This guy is going to attack me and steal my food/water/mate/etc" even though that is far from the truth.  It's a reaction born of millions of generations of having to fight tooth and nail, spear and knife, arrow and sword, gun and bigger gun with multiple other supposedly civilized societies.

There's a word... civilized... we are supposed to be civilized. Civilization: the stage of human social development and organization that is considered most advanced. Think about this for a second.  We are supposedly at our highest evolutionary potential. We have access to unlimited energy in the sun (example, we could cover the Sahara desert in solar panels and it would generate enough power for the ENTIRE WORLD). We have tools that can make our oceans drinkable so we have nearly unlimited potential of water. We have land enough to live on for everyone despite people crowding in cities.

Humans have won. Aside from a few mishaps, we don't die from animal attacks anymore. We have people who know what plants we can eat and what plants we shouldn't. We know what kinds of plants to cultivate that can feed us.

The only thing we have left to fear is each other.  To borrow a snippet from Frank Herbert's Dune, "Fear is the mind killer."

We are part of a civilized world. We have the luxury to stop, take a deep breath and look at where we are. We are in the Goldilocks zone of life.

We don't need to subjugate anything, too many men feel the need to subjugate women because women literally produce life from their bodies and evolution wants us to make as many babies as we can before we keel over.

We don't need to kill anything.  I'm not vegan, but I know that the world could go vegan tomorrow and nothing would change. We have clothes made of synthetic and naturally harvested materials, we have meat that could be grown in labs without the slaughter of any animals.

We don't need to take anything, the world gives us everything we could ever need.

We don't need to own anything, many native cultures existed without the perception of ownership, interlopers told them things and people and places belonged to someone.

We could just live.

There are people on the planet, who all they want to do is cure diseases. They love doing this.

People exist who love to build buildings and create structures.

People exist who want to entertain others and bring joy to their days.

People exist who want to feed others. 

Some people love numbers. Some people love letters.

Some people love talking with others about their problems.

Every job that is necessary for human existence has people who want to do it more than anything in the world. Some jobs might seem more important than others, but everyone's time is worth the same amount.

What I'm trying to get at here is, if we throw away all of our preconceptions of tribalism (nationalism), xenophobia, homophobia, racism, sexism, we can do great things.

It won't be easy to do, there are a lot of ancestral scars that we can see in our DNA. There are things we can't just forget and we should never forget them. We need to embrace these scars on a global societal level, wear them like badges as reminders of what NOT to do in the future.

Maybe someday people will realize that life will be a whole lot better if we work together instead of against one another.

---

Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst by day and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press.

Rust & Blood - Chapter 102 - The Burning - Dragon's Bane Series

Note - I feel like this is a standalone chapter. It's a bit erotic, but nothing graphic, as this is not a series where I'm going to get super graphic. Let me know what you think in the comments or just wherever you find me.

Aurora Gerstung's adventures in Rust & Blood will be available by the end of 2016. In the meantime...
Join the adventures of John Ross Gerstung as he battles Dragons and Humans in the Supremacy War!

Buy Sunset Red Now!

Sunset Red - Chapter 35 - Return to the Fort - Dragon's Bane Series

Note - I think this is a standalone chapter. Yes it would help to know some more of the backstory to JR and Maria, but basically, he is 17 and training to be in the Human army. Maria was one of his friends from the fort, but she was injured. The novel itself is set in an alternate reality from the one we live in, but I think you'll get that.

Join the adventures of John Ross Gerstung as he battles Dragons and Humans in the Supremacy War!

Buy Sunset Red Now!