What’s been going on the past couple days/weeks/months/years – TMI warning

This story contains gross stuff, read at your own risk.
This is also a first draft and I'll probably not fix anything that isn't glaringly atrocious.

Before I begin, it should be noted that I was diagnosed diabetic in 2016.

Before this diagnosis, I was falling asleep while driving, also while at work (during working hours, not just during lunch breaks). I would fall asleep after eating meals too large and too full of simple carbs and sugars. I come from a family with a predisposition towards diabetes, but I resisted diagnosis largely because of money concerns and fear.

I took a trip to the 2016 National Poetry Slam and through the week I felt progressively weaker and misdiagnosed myself, thinking that caffeine would help me, but drank overly sugary drinks and pissed far too much as well as started falling asleep on the 10ish hour drive home.

Once I was diagnosed, I took sugar seriously. My highest sugar was 350. I was prescribed metformin and I also implemented cinnamon as a natural blood sugar regulator as well as other methods to bring my sugar down naturally. I also took on a low carb diet with increased exercise. Within 18 months (January 2018), my blood sugar was in normal ratios. My A1C was in healthy ranges not only for diabetics, but for “normal” folk.

Also, it should be noted, the metformin possibly started causing me lower digestive problems which may have increased a hemorrhoid problem which became prevalent in my last six months in the US (that and I used to spend an inordinate amount of time sitting on the toilet whether I was shitting or not). There was blood towards the end, but not a lot.

Now to today… well… January 2021.

I kept up with low carb until I came to China. When I came here I wanted to indulge. I wanted to taste everything China had to offer and for a while I was fine. I was exercising fairly regularly. I thought I would be fine.

The hemorrhoid issue never really went away, but it did die down a bit at first. Then it came back with more blood than before, around January 2020 (just before Skylark came to visit me). I saw a TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) doctor for a remedy which worked pretty well at first.

I finished the medicine and I thought that would be it. But a couple months after, the blood and discomfort returned. This time the TCM treatment was not as effective. I knew something had to change. I tried a change in eating habits, but it was too far gone and there frequently was blood in my stool or on the paper when I wiped. I tried to increase my exercise, even exercises specifically targeted to the lower digestive tract, but there was only temporary and limited success.

Finally, after some grunting and straining, there was a great deal of blood in a bowel movement and I had to contact my boss and let him know I wanted to get checked out. In October 2020, I went to the doctor for a check up and they confirmed, not only that it was hemorrhoids, but that surgery was the only option for it to be healed completely.

I started making mental and fiscal preparations to afford an expensive surgery that would happen over the winter vacation (January 2021). The bleeding got so bad at one point that I had to cancel a trip I’d booked for Wuhan (they were a safe zone from COVID by then).

The Fall 2020 semester was kind of stressful for reasons I won’t get into here (but maybe later). I tried to keep a positive attitude. Unfortunately, the way I did that was comfort feeding. Yeah, this meant a lot of carb foods to “make me happy.” I tried to offset this with drinking diet soda, thinking the caffeine and lack of sugar would help keep a balance.

Unfortunately, I started getting dizzy whenever I would stand up or change positions. I don’t know if it was related to blood loss from the hemorrhoids or the aspartame in the sodas, but I needed to make a change. I switched from the sodas to bottled tea with not a great deal of sugar, but not zero sugar. I also started allowing myself to drink fruit juices, which on the surface seem healthier… but they (more often than not) are also packed with sugar.

I started becoming more and more lethargic. I attributed this to depression and stress. My toilet started smelling sickly sweet. I started feeling thirsty constantly. My mouth felt dry all the time, unless I had something in my mouth to make my saliva work. I was drinking a lot to counteract the dryness and thirst and it wasn’t working, but I WAS peeing a lot. Thankfully there were no long drives to make it through.

At last, the end of the semester came. My exhausted self was finally ready to be rid of the hemorrhoid problem. I had the money to pay for the surgery. The process began with a health check. Everything scanned normal until they took blood.

It was intended that I would stay in the hospital for 7-10 days to recover from the surgery, but I ended up staying in the hospital for two days and one night to try to treat the high blood sugar. I realized that I wasn’t going to get the surgery and it was just going to cost me so much more than the initial surgery, so I opted to treat it at home.

When I was first diagnosed diabetic, my body was ALL fucked up. I had been so bad off that my kidneys were actually damaged and spilling protein (I don’t know if they were spilling it, but that’s how my Doc made it seem). Kidney damage is no joke, it can actually be fatal. When I started getting my shit together (and proper meds) I was able to repair the kidneys over time.

This time, thankfully, there was no damage to my kidneys and all of my other metrics were normal, this time it was just my blood sugar and A1C were too high. FAR too high. My high before was 350. China measures blood sugar differently, but the conversion was 428 (it actually ended up going higher during my hospital stay, but I don't count that, I'm not sure the doctors knew what to do with actual diabetes, they were suggesting I eat rice and bread).

If you didn’t know, if you have surgery with high blood sugar it can lead to blood clots which can be dangerous, even fatal. No way I want to die from complications related to hemorrhoids. So the surgery had to be postponed due to my high blood sugar.

When I realized this, I felt ashamed. I thought I was doing okay. I didn’t feel like my sugar was out of whack, but I realized after I thought about it (and as I type this), the lethargy, the thirst, the dehydration it all makes sense.

So, I have to get myself back on track. I can still indulge in the Chinese cuisine, I just have to make sure I avoid simple carbs (rice, noodles, a lot of snack foods) or if I do have these things, I have to eat them in small, easily manageable quantities.

It’ll be a little harder to do here because Chinese nutrition charts are… you know… in Chinese. Also, they determine the daily values of things by 100 grams or liters so I’ll have to do the math myself. Thankfully, I’m good enough at math (for a poet) that I can figure these things out easily enough.

So this is me, standing against the wave of diabetes with a low carb diet in one hand and hemorrhoid symptom treatments in the other about to wage war with myself, again. I’ve got to stay focused and disciplined. I know I can get myself back under control. I can do it! I can win!

Thanks for reading!
Azriel Johnson

PS – If you’re facing similar or not similar challenges and want someone to talk to, feel free to contact me on social media.
Facebook.com/azrieljohnsonauthor
Twitter: @AzrielJohnson
Instagram: @azrieltobiasjohnson

RIP Azriel Johnson on Facebook 2008-2020

*Note - I'm angry, so if I type badly or make typos, I apologize. This will likely be ranty and maybe even long. I'll try to be entertaining and engaging.*

I started using Facebook back when it was still called "thefacebook." I just looked up the date... it was in 2005... the times are sketchy in my head. I don't remember a lot of the 00s, haha.

It was the upstart, right? Myspace was king and all that.
I had an OpenDiary (I even paid for that for a year, I think... before that it was FreeOpenDiary) which still exists by the way. I never really got into LiveJournal (also still exists), I tried, but I never got the kind of traction on LJ as I did with OD.

DeadJournal... I considered it, but it seemed a little hokey and I was already immersed in early social media.

I've spent all goddamned day fussing over this. That's what happens when I get angry. I hyper-fixate. I actually meant to do something today. I was going to write, work on stuff for classes... instead I've spent the whole day trying to get a hold of someone from Facebook to hopefully resolve this issue.

I understand Facebook's point. They want to protect people who bully others. If someone says bullying things to people or threatens violence, I absolutely understand making them verify their account to stop that sort of behavior... but I'm not a keyboard warrior. I barely post anymore as it is. I frequent one group of writers and I post on my own wall, but I try to stay pretty positive.

The AI on Facebook is infuriatingly bad! Facebook NEEDS to have human reviewers to turn accounts back on when they are wrongly disabled. Facebook NEEDS to turn off the AI that is turning off accounts wrongfully in the first place. Facebook NEEDS to stop requiring legal names to have an account.

Assholes that are posting racist/homophobic/transphobic/xenophobic remarks and comments need to be banned, not people who are just living their lives, trying to stay in contact with their families.

If you all remember, Facebook is the main way I (in China) stay in contact with my family (in the US). 

I think mostly I feel pissed off because I have a lot of China videos on my Facebook that I have been meaning to download from there and post on my Youtube, but I've been been knackered lately so I haven't done it.

I sent some emails, I submitted some forms. I hope I get my account back long enough to download my videos, but I'm done with facebook. If I do get my account back, I'll get my videos from there, the statuses I want to keep and save them offline. I thought I had the videos on my computer or phone, but they are all gone and I don't know where... so I'm pissed about that.

If my reinstatement campaign works, I'll make a post on how I did it.

Until then, I'll be on Twitter (@AzrielJohnson) and Youtube (just search for Azriel Johnson, there are only a couple of us).

Cheers!

Azriel

Week 1 - Day 4 - Island Walk (27 photos)

Contact and I went for an explore of the lakeshore. They took me to an island which used to house a 1930s, pre revolution mansion. I kind of imagined it as Papa John's mansion might have been if it was back in that time. The inequality was bad.
(click a photo to enlarge and click through the series)

Simulation and the Cyclical Nature of Life

Around this time last year, I posted on FB "I wouldn't be surprised if this was all a simulation, but I *would* be disappointed."

The reason this is significant is because two days ago, I had a thought that I'm not sure if this is a simulation. Or if it is a simulation, it would stand to reason that if a civilization existed that could plan OUR civilization, it would have to be super advanced.

Then I got to thinking, what if this was a creation? The 'Big Bang' was a lie and we had an intelligent designer. Where would that intelligent designer come from? Can an intelligent designer make themselves from nothing? Where does this all start?!?!

Common philosophical bullshit.

Then I came across the simulation post I made last year. I didn't add anything to it. No one commented on it. A few people liked it. It was a kind of nothing comment.

But systems (which a simulation would be on) are cyclical. Years are cyclical... more than that, every four years we have a cyclical reset. Months. Weeks. Days. Hours. Minutes. All cyclical. Robotic, you might say.

Last year, the day before the simulation comment, I asked my friends list to send me their current favorite song. Many did. I never got around to listening to any of them.

This year, I did the same thing on purpose because of last year's post, and I haven't listened to any of them either. The difference is, this year I'm a little less burned out and I hope to get to both lists and maybe make it a yearly tradition that no one clocks except me.

But it's still cyclical, whether intentional or not.

A year ago, I was in America sorting out and messing up the last bits of life I had there. Now I'm in China, still sorting out and trying to un-mess-up the last bits of life I had in Ohio.

I don't know if this is a simulation, but I sometimes feel the cyclical nature of my depression creeping up and into my life. It'll swirl around then flush out pretty regularly. It comes when I feel most boring and then I have to change something to make it go away. But what is there to change. I could shave my face and head, but that's only ever temporary. I don't want to change where I'm living because I like China. Even though there are parts of China I don't like, for the most part, this is a good place.

I don't feel at home here, but I didn't feel at home in America either and America has it's share of problems that four years of Donald Trump exacerbated and I don't know that four years of Joe Biden will fix.

I haven't felt at home anywhere, but I think it has nothing to do with the area, and more with the area of my heart... as cliche and stupid as that sounds.

I'll refer to places as home, but it's in name only. To make things simple. Not even to obscure the truth, just to make people not ask any questions. A friend recently referred to the internet as the only place they could be themselves 100% (or close). I don't even know if I have that on the internet anymore. I don't know if there's any place I can be totally 100%  myself. It isn't even like I'm hiding a secret racism that I can't let anyone know. It's more like, if I started revealing parts of myself, someone would get hurt.

20s-Azriel would say, "fuck it, if they can't handle you, they don't deserve to" but 20s-Azriel doesn't know the kind of shit 30s-Azriel has gotten up to. I'm not even a shred of the principled person I was back then. I feel fake sometimes. Like the mask on my face to keep my germs in is the least I can do to not infect others.

I feel the worst for my students because I portray myself squarely in "poet mode" where I can do no wrong, or if I do wrong, I'm doing in as part of a performance. I'm afraid my weakness or cowardice will leak into them even while I'm trying to push them to be better than me. I'm so in awe of my students. They are pushing themselves to learn to speak the hardest Human language ever and they are doing so well even if they think they aren't.

They give me hope and I'm glad to watch them on their way, but that still doesn't make this home. I still don't feel any less than alien.

In the Matrix, Agent Smith said the first Matrix was a paradise, a place where everyone could be happy. He said that Matrix was a disaster. The Human mind couldn't comprehend programming where there were no problems.

Programming...
That's an interesting concept.
I think I've mentioned this before... but I don't believe in an abundance of free will.
I think people don't have control over their actions, but it's not due to "god" controlling them. I think it's programming.
Evolution has dictated we survive by performing a particular set of actions to continue our species.

The four Fs as they are called: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing and Reproduction (*wink*).

That's what keeps us going. That is our initial programming.
If we break any of those programs we die as a species, some faster than others.
That's where we get our free will. If we go against our programming.
If we decide not reproduce, the species dies out, but it's our own choice (unless someone takes the choice away from us, in that case it's still an exercise of free will, just someone else's free will and you still lose yours).

You exercise free will when you choose not to do the things you are programmed to do. So if you are programmed to eat and you decide not to, you exercise free will. If you are programmed to fight to defend yourself, but you do not, you are exercising free will. If you are programmed to run away when you are in danger and you do not, you are exercising free will.

Even if the exercising of that free will is in order to save someone else, it is putting someone else ahead of yourself and that is against natural law and therefore exercising free will.

This isn't a complete theory and I reserve my right to change my mind.
Also, this blog has become a clusterfuck of ideas. Just like the simulation which we may or may not be in.
I'll stop here.

I start a new schedule when I wake up. I have a goal to finish Novel 5 by the end of the summer.
Wish me luck!

Confederate Dinosaurs - 2020/06/11

I'll admit...

When I was a little kid, I thought the south should have won.
But I based it on absolutely NO political or human rights knowledge.
I just thought "rebels are cool" (I was 8-10ish).
I liked my little books about Robert E. Lee and how he was painted as a hero, etc.

But then I lost interest in the Civil War
(like previous favorite subjects before it, such dinosaurs).

When I got back to it, I didn't much like these Rebels...
They were defending the idea of owning another human being!

I feel like people who support the Confederacy are still enamored
with the idea of being a "rebel" and the love of "freedom,"
but what they fail to understand is, the Confederacy wasn't about freedom.
It was about the exact opposite. And just like dinosaurs,
this idea that it was anything more than a cover and propaganda
so the rich could stay richer on the backs of black slaves needs to go extinct.
The Confederacy sucks.
And if you support the Confederacy YOU suck.

Naked

No, you're not getting a full nude of me. That would put my blog into adult territory and I don't want that.  However, "Adult Territory" is kind of what this entry will be about.

I had my nephew this weekend. It was generally a good time with a few snags, but everyone came out alive at the other end.  I laid in my bed Saturday, nude as per usual, struggling with myself about having to get out and get some pants on to face the day. 

I'm not a person who enjoys pants.

I understand their use and necessity. They keep a person warm (or are at least supposed to) when it's cold.  They can carry things when you want to keep your hands free to hold other things.  They are like mini-backpacks for your legs.  In general though, I wish I could go about without wearing them.

One of my authors and internet friencquaintance had a post which talked about how when she went up to get the mail from the post man and it wasn't until she sat down she realized she hadn't been wearing trousers.

The following is a bit of our conversation:



Shameless Plug!!!!
Click here to buy
"The Gospel of Flies" by Bethany W. Pope
You'll have to search out her other books yourself.
Also she's coming out with another one with WK this year.
Eventually....

Azriel Johnson: did you have knickers on?
That isn't a roundabout way to ask if you're wearing any, I was just curious what kind of a show he got. *smile emoticon*

Bethany W Pope: Ha! No. Matt gets on my case all the time about letting my vagina flap in the wind.
He probably has a point.

Azriel Johnson: Well, if it flaps there might be an issue... but in general I think if its your house you should be allowed to flap how you want.

Bethany W Pope: Word.
We do have to be cautious though because we live right beside a park.

Azriel Johnson: Flap... also and interesting word for a vagina's resting posture... incidentally.
You've always seemed like someone who would be inclined to walk around naked most of the time, not because you're a nudist, but because you're busy thinking and creating and just can't be bothered to put on clothes unless you're cold.
Not a criticism btw, I am similar...
Also i don't think about you naked generally its just a sense I get from you which has manifested now in a borderline inappropriate conversation for a publisher to have with his author.... *smile emoticon*

Bethany W Pope: Yes. That's generally how it goes. I start getting dressed then get a line and have to write it down. I forget what I was doing and the next thing I know I'm walking outside without anything on.
HA!

Azriel Johnson: I thought that was your sleep walking episodes

Bethany W Pope: That too. Though that's happened less since Matt put the chain on the door.

Azriel Johnson: I was just thinking this weekend, I wish it wasn't inappropriate to walk around my house naked when my nephew was downstairs. I mean, I don't have any ill intentions. It's just a penis ffs.

Bethany W Pope: That's culture for you. We had sort of a weird situation at home. Mom was an actress so she was VERY comfortable just being starkers all the time. Dad was a minister (I've never seen him without a shirt) so we received decidedly mixed messages. 1) the body is a tool 2) the body is Satan's shame-temple.
If you were German you'd have been fine.

Azriel Johnson: I am German ancestry, but unfortunately American cultured

Bethany W Pope: The nice thing about cultures is that they change.

Azriel Johnson: I wish when the hippies won they hadn't gone ultra conservative instead of following the trajectory they were on... fuckin boomers... ha!

Bethany W Pope: Yeah. Well, it's up to us not to follow the same route. Being broke-ass poets ought to help with that! I've noticed that conservatism follows cash.

Azriel Johnson: Yes. Though I wouldn't be opposed to some more cash, I am just not willing to compromise a lot of my ideals to do it.

Bethany W Pope: Same. Or any, in my case. It's better to be poor and noble than rich and morally bankrupt. Of course, I'd really like to be rich and noble.

Azriel Johnson: I don't believe that richness of bank account and richness of spirit are mutually exclusive. It's possible to have both I think.

The conversation diverged there into a reference to Dinner for Schmucks then the pretentiousness and antifeminist connotations of the terms Authoress and Poetess.

But I have been thinking about this. I don't consider myself a nudist, but I wish we had a culture where clothes were unnecessary except when they were needed for protection against the elements. I also wonder did clothes come into being for first for war or religion.  Did prehistoric Sapiens warriors kill Neanderthals wearing armor before or after prehistoric Sapiens priests told them the Thunder God would curse them if they didn't wear a certain primary color (probably red) doing it.

If we all walked around naked, I think we would get over this body shaming thing in about a week. I also think racism would slowly die out (hard to combat something ingrained in hundreds of years of culture).  Homophobia would peter out (see what I did there) when the straight fellas realized that their gay neighbors weren't getting hardons over them every they interacted.

Maybe instead of Dragons rising up from under the earth to destroy us all to unite us, what we really need is a death of nonfunctional clothes.... and religion.... and war....

Let me step away before I climb up on a soap box. One rant per entry is enough.

But I wanted to share with you, I've added a couple new extracts:

According to the bottles, Astragalus is for immune support (since I'm still fighting the cold, I no doubt need some help) and Burdock Blend is for cleansing and detoxifying. So good luck to me!

Thanks for reading! (buy Bethany's books and do it naked!)
Az

*Note* Originally posted on the now defunct AzrielJohnsonAuthor.blogspot.com 04/11/16

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Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press and Writing Knights: Stark.

Sick

I can't say that I felt like a bag of smashed assholes.  I've felt like that before.  This wasn't quite it.  The weekend though was not fun in the least.  Low energy.  Stabby throat.  Xs in my chest.  When I got to work my napitation made me an hour later than I intended.

So when poetry happened tonight I was not up to snuff.  Thankfully Skylark helped with that and ran the show for me.  I still attended, of course, but my energy level bottomed.

There is a poetry thing I want to go to in Painesville, but I doubt I'll feel up to going.  I'm fighting a dry, annoying cough and the accompanying headache.

I won't complain much more though, because at least I'm alive to feel sick instead of being not sick, just dead.

The detox is going as well as can be expected.  I feel like the draining of toxins from my body will contribute to a faster recovery time.  I felt worse this weekend than I did today.  I think I caught the sick from my nephew when he was here.  As Louis CK says, "kids are just buckets of disease that live in your house." I'm inclined to agree sometimes.

I'm really itchy too. Not sure what's up with that.

The poetry tour is going really well for the first two dates.  We have an other date Wednesday which is the workshop. I'm looking forward to see who comes and if they are actually there to learn or there to cement their ignorance like last year.

Last year, we had a small workshop in March, right before the Stark Knights tour.  A total of three people came.  One of those people were there to learn and expand themselves.  The other two had their minds made up that there was nothing they could learn.  They wanted to know about publishing instead of becoming better writers, which is fine, but the idea was to expand writing.  Yes I run a publishing press, but when I gave them the advice that I had, they threw it back at me saying they could get published by paying someone a set amount of money. *sigh*

I mean, I do books on commission, but that would never be my first choice for someone to try unless you are afraid of rejection. Then most certainly get rejected, get over the fear. You'll be better for it.

Thanks for reading!
Az
*Note* Originally posted on the now defunct AzrielJohnsonAuthor.blogspot.com 04/05/16

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Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press and Writing Knights: Stark.

Reputation

I had to have a conversation with my nephew last night on the way to the movie (Batman vs Superman, I wrote a review if you want to read it check out Binge-TV.blogspot.com).

The conversation was about reputation.

As you know, nightly I mix up a concoction I call my "Elixir of Ease" it helps me combat the inflammation and pain I would normally feel in my hands during the day.  Well, last night he drank from that elixir.  He didn't drink it all mind you, but he drank enough of it that was noticeable.  Of course, it wasn't the end of the world, but I was mad. I almost poured the rest down his throat when he was sleeping.  But, of course, less asshole heads prevailed.

He's been staying with me for five days by this point. And during these five days I had a task for him to do. His task was to organize my Magic the Gathering cards alphabetically and by type of spell.  If you know MtG you'd know what I was talking about. If not, no worries, he had a job organizing something.

For the better part of 5 days he worked on this and yet, when I got home in preparation to go to the movie he still wasn't done. *sigh*  I'll admit, I wasn't the best worker when I was 13, but damned if I wouldn't have been tickled pink to do something like this. The boy is also a fan of MtG so I thought this was something he would want to dive right into.  Anyway, I made him finish the rest right in front of me while I fixed some of the misorderings myself and we went to the movie.

On the drive there I let him in on a secret that many people seem to miss out on in life.  You only have your reputation. You can lose everything else in your life, but your reputation lives on.  When you do something that disrespects someone, your reputation with them falters.  In typical 13 year old fashion when I asked him why he drank the Elixir he said, "I really do not know what was going through my head." *sigh* we need to get this boy some mindfulness training.

When you ask to do something and someone tells you no, you do not do it. Full stop. Continuing to do the thing they told you not to amounts to disrespect for that person.  We have had numerous conversations about consent and I tied the respect factor into consent.

He has a long way to go. I think having something about mindfulness so he can read it over again and again and again might be helpful for him. Hopefully he can snap out of the stupid that is clouding his judgment.
*Note* Originally posted on the now defunct AzrielJohnsonAuthor.blogspot.com 03/30/16

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Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press and Writing Knights: Stark.

SCREAM!

Saturday I debuted a poem based on a line I wrote on facebook: "I scream in my car to keep from killing you all". I used it as a slam poem and won last place at the Lake Effect Poetry team qualifier. W00t!  Go me!

I am not really concerned if I don't make the team this year. I never really score well anyway when I go up. I try to be entertaining and have fun with it.  Sky and I are still going on tour at the end of May/Beginning of June in preparation for landing in Columbus for the Rustbelt Regional Poetry slam.

Why I bring it up is because I did the Scream poem again for Monday night poetry.  I wish I had done it first because it quieted all of the bysitters in the shop and allowed the poets some peace as they read their work after me.  I mean, I'm not one to tell people what to do, but it gets loud in there with mofos just talking their fool heads off while we are trying to be poetical.

I wish I could have a sign somewhere that says, "Quiet! Creation is happening!" or something catchy like that to maybe influence the bysitters to shush, or at least talk lower.

My nephew and faux-niece attended with me and Sky.  My niece was surprised at how much fun she had and will hopefully come back in coming weeks.

We start the Stark Knights Tour on April 1st.  I'm excited! Thirteen shows coming and while I've already had people back out, I've gotten almost everyone replaced who has had to.

I'm trying to think of a new introduction for the poetry nights... I like the "hear ye, hear ye" intro, but it's always good to make some change... maybe a scream to clear the air...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Now don't you feel better?

Thanks for reading!
Az

*Note* Originally posted on the now defunct AzrielJohnsonAuthor.blogspot.com 03/29/16

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Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press and Writing Knights: Stark.

Sun Coma

One of the things that regularly occupies my Sundays is feeding people downtown in a flat grass space they call a park. I have higher standards for my parks... namely more than just a few scraggly trees which surround the grassy area, maybe a pavilion (which would be helpful when we feed people during these kinds of days).

The day itself was beautiful. 75 degree high. Lots of people hungry, more than we usually get on a holiday as most holidays people go to spend time with their families, even if they are having housing lack.

I wore my usual Sunday shirt which says: "gay? fine by me."  I do it because I like to remind people to be tolerant. There is one of the fellas who tries to make me feel bad about wearing it, but today I was not in the mood to deal with his crap.  I am usually more jovial and "oh Pete, you silly thing" about it, but today he looked at me with such disdain, he barely got the words, "I can't--" when I snapped at him, "Damn Pete, stop being homophobic for just today.  It's Easter! Jeez!"  Not that I'm a particularly Christian person, but he keeps citing the bible when he tells me why he thinks it's wrong.  The bible also says not to judge.

As I said, the sun was high and I didn't have a head covering.  A mistake on my part as I'm fairly sensitive to the sun, especially on my alopecia.  I stood facing the line of servers and the hungry with a trash bag.  We had plenty of people to help serve so trash bag duty was my lot for the day.  In small doses, the sun helps to energize me, but if I'm out in it too long I start to get crabby and discommunicative (as in, I'll still communicate even be nice, but I don't want to).

The picnic ended, we fed some people and made our way to Easter meal with Sky's parents. I ate and talked and whatnot, but I felt drained.  I tried to eat to offset the lack of energy, but it didn't help.  I tried to be social, but failed as I went into the living room and conked out on the couch... for about two hours.  My lover tried to rouse me by sitting on my crotch, but unfortunately I was halfway to comatown by then.  My nephew woke me by sitting on my stomach, to which I gave him a hard shove to the floor.  I didn't hurt him... or if I did he didn't cry about it.

When I was finally able to get up, I found him laying on the ground asleep. Point for boring Tio knock out of the 13 year old. :)

I hadn't had my detox all weekend, I just didn't make time to make the tea or take the elixir in the morning, but I think a break is good. I don't think it has to be solid every single day to be optimal effective.  There are a couple more days left of the nephew helping out around the house and organizing my Magic the Gathering cards so I need to be on my best health.

Oh, I think my abdomen is getting a little smaller. I'll take a picture for tomorrow if I still think that.

Thanks for reading!
Az
*Note* Originally posted on the now defunct AzrielJohnsonAuthor.blogspot.com 03/28/16

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Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press and Writing Knights: Stark.

Too Much Information Ahead

Well, this detox is definitely having an... effect...

You see with a mixture of fatigue and bipolar there are certain things which occur in the body... lack of appetite (no), over eating (tried not to), lack of desire to do the things you normally enjoy (certainly).

The thing that affected me the most unfortunately was my lowered libido.

Now, I don't know how Skylark felt about it, but I was not happy about not "feeling the urge" as often as I have been known for at one time  (Skylark's feelings are her own business, but I'm sure if you asked her she could tell you).

I used to be a wanting to sex machine.  All the time.  Like a teenage boy minus face acne.

Of course, as a guy gets older he loses some of his libido, but the fatigue dropped it way too low.  I mean, 34 is NOT old, I should have still been chasing tail (just the one) more than I had been.

Now, when the urge did arise, I could perform.  Haven't had a problem in that area, but most of the time I would just ask (with my body), get to business, close business and go to sleep.

Let's just say, times they are a'changing...

As I wrote this entry, I've thought about sex to the point where my member has come to attention at least twice, I've had to pause and think about something else to get it to go back down.

So if there's one thing to say for the detox... it's got me horny....
Who to do... who to do...

Thanks for reading,
Az
*Note* Originally posted on the now defunct AzrielJohnsonAuthor.blogspot.com 03/25/16

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Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press and Writing Knights: Stark.

Going Back to Move Forward

I'm feeling less fatigue now. I'm still tired, but it isn't the same kind of DRAINING tired I've been feeling these past few months. So that's good.

I read a bit online that said detoxes aren't really necessary because the liver and kidneys kind of do that already, but if someone is making me feel better, isn't that worth doing it? I'd stop if it felt like it was killing me.  I'm certainly not a person who believes in "no pain, no gain".

That being said, I'm moving back into doing yoga again.  Instead of doing my exercises with the bar and small weights.  I'm trying to prepare my arms for doing plank by leaning against the wall and putting pressure on my wrists.  I feel like my arms are strong enough to do hand stands (once upon a time I could do them), but I'm afraid of my wrists breaking.

http://www.yogajournal.com/pose/upward-bow-or-wheel-pose/

On breaks at work I've been hand walking a backbend down the building wall, like a wheel pose and I get pretty close to the ground.  Then I get scared and walk myself back up.  I know if I reach out I will touch the ground, but I am also not confident in my balance and my wrists to do it.  That'll be a good day when I get the confidence.  Also maybe some less slippy shoes.  If I had someone to take a picture of me doing it I would post that instead, but this guy has a massive bulge so that'll work.

I don't like feeling weak.  My hands and wrists have started hurting more lately. I'm wondering if I need to put more drops into my elixir in the morning to help stave off the pain. I used to have a bottle I took with me every day and slug a drink whenever there was a twinge, but I didn't want to be dependent upon it so I stepped down to one drink in the morning.  I don't want to go back up. I don't like feeling dependent on something. The pain isn't debilitating, but it comes and goes about a 3 on the pain scale. I think I can deal for now.

Thanks for reading,
Az
*Note* Originally posted on the now defunct AzrielJohnsonAuthor.blogspot.com 03/24/16

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Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press and Writing Knights: Stark.

Temple Renovations

There bible verse which says that the body is the temple of the holy spirit. If by holy spirit you mean, my body is the thing I use to make orgasms happen, then absolutely holy. :)

At any rate, this is the only one I have until I can get some replacement parts (calling Dr Frankenstein).

My top priority issue is what appears to be carpal tunnel's less successful cousin. I say this because it isn't severe enough for me to get an operation to fix the problem. I realize it isn't as severe as some people I've seen, but well, I've lost a lot of range of motion... here let me show you.

A real person's wrist can bends like this.

Here's my left wrist.

My right wrist does a little better.

This is why I take the anti-inflammatories, because I'm trying to alleviate the pain and lack of mobility associated with this issue. This is also why I'm exercising at work because I'm trying to build my body up so it doesn't happen anymore with any other part of my body.  I haven't lost range of motion, but my left ankle constantly pops, especially when I stretch.  My shoulders have felt like they are falling out for the past 6 months.  My elbows pop whenever I try to do pushups.  Thank the gods for yoga because I don't have to move to exercise my body.

I'm actually thinking of starting to do some light yoga at work instead of my bicep curls etc.  I don't care if I look stupid doing it, I just don't want to do a plank on the concrete out in the parking lot.  *shrug* I'll figure it out.

I don't want this to be an entirely complain-y entry so let me show you something I'm proud of.  Remember when I said my leg game was on point?  Here is a picture of my calf.  It's a bad picture, but seriously, hard as a friggin rock dude.  Feel that shit! :)

Thanks for reading!
Az
*Note* Originally posted on the now defunct AzrielJohnsonAuthor.blogspot.com 03/23/16

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Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press and Writing Knights: Stark.

Azpothecary

The placebo effect hath endeth.  I'm not mad about that though because now I know that when I'm getting any energy boost it is because the detox is working.  I know it's ended because despite my best efforts I dozed off on the way home today.

I'm going to try to remedy that by not over sweeting tomorrow. I had two packages of machine cupcakes which, while delicious, probably have way too much sugar than any person should consume and sugar might be my problem in general.

Poetry went well. We had a couple features which rocked our mic. After the features the open mic kind of devolved into chaos, but that's fine.

Here are the new ingredients I've added (or will be adding) to the Elixir of ease in the morning. I'm not sure what the difference between regular Echinacea and Super Echinacea is, but I reckon I'll find out when the Echinacea I have runs out.  The Milk Thistle, as I mentioned before, is for liver health and the Cinnamon flavoring (with actual flecks of cinnamon) is for inflammation.

So far the status has been quo as far as pain management. Since the orthopedic surgeon doesn't want to do the surgery that would hopefully alleviate my wrist/hand issues I have to deal with it on my own... another goal of the detox.

Our roommate saw me mixing drops of each of the extracts into the bottle I use and called me an apothecary. I'm not against this. :)  It's sort of true anyway.

I've been writing more lately. Nothing ground breaking, but fun.  I'm working on a collection of Sleep related pieces. I'm not sure if I would call them poems or prose poems or what, but I'm sort of just word vomiting on the page for now. But it's good!

Thank you for reading,
Az
*Note* Originally posted on the now defunct AzrielJohnsonAuthor.blogspot.com 03/22/16

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Azriel Johnson is an inkspatter analyst and a serial writer by night. He runs a small, not money losing publishing press and a weekly open mic with monthly features called Writing Knights Press and Writing Knights: Stark.