Monday, August 5, 2019

What If?

I almost didn't tell anyone (except Skylark and Steve and maybe my job because none of them are connected with me on FB) I was leaving for China.

I toyed with the idea of keeping it completely secret and doing everything else the exact same as I've done. So I would have replaced the Grand Tournament with the Bon Voyage party, but I would have called it something else... like "Writing Knights Summer Word Bash" or something.

I would have put all of the effort into getting people to come. Who knows, there might have been more people coming. We may have had poetry on the stage at  Makeshift instead of around the table. It might have been more community minded and less Az-centric. I might not have been the focus.

I didn't mind the Bon Voyage party being Az-centric and being the focus, I'm just what-ifing here.

There probably would have been more work on my behalf to put a more community minded show on. Definitely would have been more stressful.

I feel like, in a way, it would have been more poetic for me to put on this huge event, impressing upon everyone the importance of community and camaraderie, then a month later, I'm gone without a trace. 

Kind of Bilbo Baggins-esque. Disappear before everyone's eyes. 

Of course, now with Vertigo's passing, the timing would have been conspicuous. Vertigo dies, then Azriel leaves.

I'm just toying with the what-iffery. 

The reason I brought this up was I feel like we tend to take for granted the people around us. Far too often, we expect a person to be there always until suddenly they aren't, then we are in pain because we feel like one of our limbs has been removed. I felt that way when I found out Vertigo passed (technically I felt worse the day before, giving more credence to the idea that energy connection is real). It would have been a test for people and for myself if I hadn't told anyone.

I think in the end, I made the right decision. Not telling everyone would have been selfish and kind of a dick move and I wouldn't have seen as many people before I go as I have and will do. There would have been excuses and I wouldn't have a leg to stand on as far as getting people to agree to hang out with me without the impending departure.

Also, I'm glad I told everyone. It has shown me things I needed to see as far as my perceptions and expectations of people I care about. It has given me a sharper scope as far as how much things matter and to whom they matter.

I just found out for sure, I'm leaving August 25th at 5pm. For the three of you who read this, there is now an official clock to come see me. *laughs*

Azriel