Despite the nature of the following, I try, as an editor, to not be petty. Consider these entries in the vein in which they are presented as an independent book publisher who is seeking clarity in entries sent in for consideration of publication. I will NEVER use a name or contact information in these entries. They offer a dual opportunity for me to vent about things that annoy me hopefully in an entertaining way and give our potential submitters knowledge on...
“How NOT to Submit to a Press”
Don’t you just hate it when you deal with someone who has utterly disrespected you, and yet you don’t really have time to deal with them right away, but you still want to so you write a poem, flaying them, and you share it with people for humorous effect, but you still want to share it in a more determinant way. Then you come across an equally ignorant foe who finally spurs you to the point of actually needing to write about the fools you come across so you can finally write about that person. Then in doing some recognizance work you realize the first ignorant foe died over a year before.
Yeah, that’s what this one is about.
I guess we poets are always more inspired by death.
The first entry of this series deals with Arrogance.
Most presses I reckon love an author with confidence. But Arrogance to the point of disrespect is something that I don’t know anyone who will put up with.
The following poem is almost direct word for word transcript from an email conversation with someone who submitted with Arrogance in mind.
Re: Chapbook Submission 02/14
From: chrismucklehoney@leastmisinformedpossiblyoverconfident.com
Address: 51 Michael Hunt Drive
Los Huevos, California
31 page submission attached.
From: writingknights@leasthesinterested.com
Please review our submission guidelines. We only ask for 10 pages as a sample. Here is the URL: main.writingknights.com/submissions.html
The Writing Knights Team
From: chrismucklehoney@sarcasticdickhead.com
Writing Knights Team,
Review this.
CM
No attachment
From: writingknights@themomentiamperplexed.com
Dear Chris,
I can’t tell if you are being foul or just forgot the attachment.
Please clarify,
Thanks!
WK
From: chrismucklehoney@thispointiamstillharmless.com
I can pretty well tell you’re foolish, but please try.
CM
From: writingknights@thebeliefwearedone.com
Thank you for the clarification.
From: chrismucklehoney@thebeliefthattalkinglikearockstarwillgetyouanywherewithAzFuckingJohnson.com
You mean, thank you for the manuscript and you’re welcome.
From: writingknights@thepointofsettingthisfellowstraight.com
Nope. There is a protocol you must follow before we can discuss.
;)
WK
From: chrismucklehoney@temptingtosavefacethroughinsultinganestablishment.com
Fuck your protocol and fuck you little winky face!
From: writingknights@temptingtokillhimwithkindness.com
I hope your day/night gets better and whatever is causing you discomfort abates.
WK
From: chrismucklehoney@lastthetruedoucheemerges.com
Cunt!
From: writingknights@temptingtofoilhisangerwithmyfeelingsofthewordcunt.com
Thank you! That’s the highest form of compliment!
From: chrismucklehoney@thispointisapparentlyamisogynist.com
In Idiotsville.
From: writingknights@mybestretortinthepastsixmonths.com
You can rent my guest room.
From: chrismucklehoney@stickingtosomethingagainstallodds.com
Cunt!
From: writingknights@temptingnottofeedthistroll.com
You said that.
From: chrismucklehoney@leastiamconsistent.com
Cunt!
From: writingknights@mittedlynotthebestthingtosaytoendthisconversation.com
If your poetry is as repetitive as your insults, there is no way I can publish you.
From: chrismucklehoney@leastiamconsistent.com
Cunt!
From: writingknights@lastiamtootiredtocontinuethisjoustsoiconcedethepowerofthewordcunt.com
It seems a shame you put so much time and effort into your submission.
Anyway, I’m gonna hit the sack.
I wish you good luck on all your future endeavors.
WK
From: chrismucklehoney@leastigetthelastword-mantheseeditorsaresostupidiftheythinkiamgoingtopaythemanyrespectinordertogetthemtopublishme-respectisforchumps-buttheybetterrespectme-yeah.com
Cunt!
From: writingknights@mybesttryingnottoreturnthispersonsnegativity-tryingtobethebiggerperson-reallyquestionhowthehellheevergotpublishedwiththatattitude-wouldneverpublishsomeonewhodisregardedtheprocess-willwarneverypressiknowaboutthisguy.com
You know? You aren’t even worth my time.
Discard Draft
Rest In Peace - Arrogant Writers.
Rest In Peace - Arrogant Writers.
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