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Wednesday, July 31, 2019

In Memoriam - Vertigo Xi'an Xavier

Vertigo Xi'an Xavier is dead.

I don't know how it happened. I just found out about it a few hours ago.

I won't flap his business around, but he shared with me some of his issues. I don't know how it happened. I feel like I should.

I feel like a failure as a friend. I feel like I should have reached out to hang for nonpoet reasons more often. I wished he had some to my party a couple weekends ago so I could have seen him before I left for China.

A friend said, 'adult friendships are hard' and that's right, but I could have made more of an effort.

If you looked up 'lonely talker' in the dictionary, his face would be there. I only recently got Zen about that though and it only annoyed me when I was wearing shorts out in winter or in the summer when there were bugs biting. 

Other times, it was a joy to hear him speak. He got so passionate about his next release or the events he wanted to put together or attend. He was still so passionate, even when he realized the Stark County scene was stagnating.

I think the last time I saw him was a few months ago at one of the more recent sWord Fight showcases. Since then we discussed briefly getting his MOV (My Own Venue) project off the ground. He'd found a place in Akron and since my day job is with real estate he wanted to use my broker and for me to get a kickback. When/if I get back from China, maybe I'll do something in that respect and call it "Vertigo's" or something. Maybe that's just me being dumb.

Maybe I'll run for Emperor of the World and dedicate my win to him.

I keep thinking of people who might want to know, but who might not find out without being told. I tagged a shit load of people. Texted a few. Called one. I probably won't get them all. There were so many that he touched.

I keep thinking about his storage unit and how people are going to parse that out.

There was a tornado a little bit ago. Had to squash that shit.

I keep thinking about having a memorial open mic get together. He's got so many books to liquidate, the money should go to his family or something. Or maybe someone can somehow pull together grants for a scholarship, but I don't know how any of that shit works.

People keep calling him by his not-preferred name and it pisses me off, even though they didn't know him as VX and it's not my place to be pissed off on his behalf if he'd come to acceptance about it.

I keep looking at the first message and how vague it is. I want to know everything about his last moments, but that will probably be a mystery to me until I see his family. I only ever met one of his sisters, I think. I may have heard his dad in another room at one point. I am clueless.

It has taken me about an hour to write this much. I need to do something away from social media.


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